


wHaT iS tHiS i DoN’t EvEn

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dom/Sub (sort of), Hermaphroditic Trolls, M/M, Non-Sgrub AU, Oral Sex, Size Kink, Topping from the Bottom, demending your partner call you "priest" during sex must be some sort of fetish, even if you are a priest, hermaphroditic intercourse, kismesisitude, unhappy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-23
Updated: 2012-10-23
Packaged: 2017-11-16 21:51:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dom Gamzee actually get to be a dom when he orders bratty sub Equius to fuck him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wHaT iS tHiS i DoN’t EvEn

**Author's Note:**

> A prequel to [Ticket to Ride](http://archiveofourown.org/works/524401), but all you need to know is trolls and humans live peacefully on Earth and Gamzee works at some weird poor-ass church.

The sound of paddling stopped for a moment in the basement of Equius’ house. Gamzee took a step backwards and sighed.

“How many hits has my club scored?” Gamzee asked Equius.

Equius replied in a strong voice, “52, sir.”

 Gamzee looked at the club in amazement at its deeds. “Wow, that’s too much by…ten?”

“Actually, sir, it’s too few by 368 strokes.”

“How many of these motherfuckin’ strokes am I supposed to be doing?”

“You ordered 420 strokes.”

“That’s a shitload of strokes. Why’d I answer that?”

“It was what you desired.”

“Don’t know why that motherfuckin’ number came to my orderin’ hole.” Gamzee snapped his fingers. “Wait, I got it! It’s a joke number! One of them human joke numbers, like 69!”

“Is 69 the lewd joke about your moirail?” Equius added under his breath, “Thinking of your moirail at such a time.”

“I think 420 is something ‘bout human sopor slime? Guess I got motherfuckin’ pie in my pan.”

Gamzee put his club on the table behind them. At the sound, Equius stopped looking at the floor and turned his head back. 

“Have I not taken my punishment correctly?” he asked excitedly, “How shall you punish me for not being properly punished, sir?”

“Oh, you did everything all good, my pitchbro. Got off them clothes, bent over the leather horsey gymnast thing you got, showed me that fine-ass bunch of ass muscles, and let me have a go at that ass with no sass.”

He then mumbled to himself. “Not even a little sass.”

Equius looked back down at the floor. “Then we are finished with this session, Highblood?”

Gamzee looked at his backpack. “I could leave now…”

When he’d made his plans for the night, he had decided he would celebrate his move from acolyte to priest by getting it on. Normally a troll would celebrate with red romance but he had only one concupiscent partner and that was Equius (things with Tavros were…complicated). So he went to his kismesis’ mansion to relax. He’d really only imagined some sloppy makeouts. Yet the minute he got into the foyer his kismesis ran to the basement instead of the couch. Gamzee followed him down and soon he ended up paddling him.  With his general fuzziness he often ended up in places without knowing how he got there, but it happened all the time with Equius. With his clear mind Equius reacted quicker than Gamzee could keep up.

Equius would say Gamzee initiated their relationship. It was true in the sense that Gamzee asked Equius out on a hate date. Even he could remember how Equius reacted to the astronomical bill he had to pay (the rule is the asked has to pay for the hate date). Yet at that point Equius had been insulting him every night for almost a year. Finally Gamzee had a stressful day and night with no sleep or sopor and Equius said the wrong thing and he just went off.  A week later he was globes-deep in Equius on their very first date. When they woke up in Gamzee’s van Equius asked if they were pitchmates and Gamzee said yes.

Their kismesisitude wasn’t a fight between equals like Karkat told Gamzee black romance was supposed to be. Equius said they couldn’t be equal because they didn’t have equal blood. Gamzee was better than Equius according to the hemospectrum so he would be the Dominant one. Gamzee agreed he was better than Equius because he wasn’t the one who believed fakey lying bullshit made him better. So Equius became his submissive.

One would think being a Master would be easier than being a Slave because, hey, you got the Slave to do things. Yet being a Master meant you had to think up master things. Yes, it was great having your own millionaire to pay for a week’s worth of entrees. Yet when it came to doing chores Equius was horrible. Gamzee didn’t know how someone who worked with delicate machinery could suddenly become so clumsy. When Gamzee tried to punish him with some harsh burns, Equius kept asking whether he’d hit him until Gamzee did hit him. For all his asking for something physical, he didn’t notice when he got it. Gamzee was strong but not that strong and he didn’t have enough stamina. Certainly didn’t have that stamina after his big night.

“Highblood?”

Gamzee looked up from his backpack. He strolled over to Equius’ head and pulled him up by the hair.

“Can’t ya call me Priest Makara? I just busted my ass for that fine-ass title while I never did shit to get my blood.”

“If you so ask I shall call you Priest Makara, even though as a non-believer I do not recognize your priesthood, Priest Makara.”

Fucking wise-ass heretic, thought Gamzee. Gamzee didn’t know how someone so proper could be such a heretic. Back in Equius’ oh-so-beloved empire, Gamzee’s religion was supreme, yet he didn’t give it any respect. It would be one thing if Equius took offense at Gamzee’s unorthodox denomination like most of the imperial-lovers did, but this douchebag called “motherfucker” a bad word! He could just be sprouting blasphemy as flirting, but he possibly was sincere. He was one of those fucking science types.

Gamzee let go of Equius’ hair. At least he got that part of the infernal script he had to follow changed.

“You can get yourself unbent while I think up some shit,” he said.

Equius stood up before Gamzee in his full-glory and Gamzee’s mind went blank. The dude was made of motherfucking miracles! His body had perfect musculation and his hair was gorgeous. Right now Gamzee felt like he was the inferior one. Sure, he was so far cool he wasn’t even on the scale as Equius, but physically he was sad and short compared to this majestic musclebeast.  All his grumbling about why he bothered fucking this brat disappeared.  Now he wondered why this rich and perfect-bodied douchebag wasn’t fucking someone from an exclusive gym for rich and perfect-bodied douchebags.

The desires he’d lost when during the endless paddling came back again. He re-imagined his fantasies he had on the drive there. He wanted to sit on that luxe couch upstairs with Equius kneeling between his legs so his head can be at just the right level to press into his head. Hell, they didn’t need some couch. They could kiss here. Any place was a good place to makeout in his opinion.

“Now do some bendin’ again, this time in my lip’s direction.”

Equius obliged and Gamzee finally got some of what he came for. He just loved kissing. He didn’t give a fuck that Equius wasn’t the best person to kiss with his broken teeth and milk breath. Still felt great to put his tongue down his throat.

Equius always kept his arms straight down during kissing but Gamzee sure as hell didn’t. His hands went everywhere. He’d scratch Equius’ and pull his hair and grab the scruff of his neck and tweak his grub scars and rub his ass. Yet the thing he loved the most was touching the miracle that was Equius’ bone bulge.

Yes, Equius’ bone bulge was superior to his. Hell, it was superior to most trolls. It was like an elephant’s trunk coming out of his crotch. Gamzee didn’t know math very well, but he figured it was like, a hundred centimeters long and fifty centimeters thick. Something like that? The biggest miracle was how long it stayed unsheathed. One would think a hyper guy like Equius would blow immediately, but he had plenty of control. He could sit still during an hour of erotic torture and have the same erection he came in with. During sex, Gamzee was always the one to come first. Gamzee always stroked Equius off afterwards even though he suspected Equius wanted his orgasm taken away from him. That’s probably why he learned that holding skill. Gamzee wasn’t going to stop touching his favorite bone bulge just because Equius wanted to play some stupid game.

Gamzee’s own bone bulge was unsheathing in his still-on pants. He wondered if he should get undressed. Equius always said as a Dominant he never needed to undress, but he liked being naked. Yet he had been so busy with the paddling he’d forgotten to free himself of his clothes. Now he didn’t want to undress because it meant he might have to stop kissing.

Then Equius’ bone bulge, without its owner’s notice, started tickling at Gamzee’s thigh. This sparked a new desire in Gamzee: he wanted that bone bulge in his nook. Gamzee didn’t know why he’d never thought of it before. He’d spent so much time feeling fondly about that bone bulge but never thought about doing anything with it other than touching it. Maybe it was because Equius made a big deal about submitting to penetration. Every time it came to intercourse Equius acted like it was a brand new delicious depravity that only a highblood like Gamzee could come up with, when instead it was pretty vanilla for black. Gamzee wanted to try something actually different.

Gamzee pulled away quickly. Equius in response looked down at his wandering bone bulge.

“Oh, I’m so sorry I touched you in the wrong place! Shall you punish me, Highblood?”

“It’s Priest Makara,” Gamzee sighed, “But I ain’t punishin’ you for that, or for ticklin’ me with that third arm, or any other shit you come up with.”

Gamzee grabbed Equius’ bone bulge and gave it a hard squeeze. It gave back a nice throb.

“Fact is,” he said, keeping his eye on the prize, “I want to get more of that third arm.”

“How do you want this - third arm - which I assume one of your foolish terms for my bone bulge - given to you?”

“You ain’t that motherfuckin’ stupid,” Gamzee said sweetly as he rubbed his thumb along the length, “I want it given the way you give a motherfuckin’ bone bulge – up the nook.”

Equius was so shocked his bone bulge retreated. He stepped away from Gamzee’s hand.

“YOU WANT WHAT DONE TO YOU?!” he bellowed.

“Umm, I want your bone bulge in my nook? Thought I said that already. What big fancy highblood words do I gotta use?”

“For once you have your grammar correct, but the content is completely wrong.”

“What’s so motherfuckin’ wrong with the content?”

“You are NOT allowed to ask to be penetrated. Not EVER.”

Gamzee growled, “You aren’t gonna _allow_ me to do something? My fuckin’ peasantblood slave ain’t gonna allow me to do something? After I have to go through all these master-makin’ musclebeast shit because I’m supposed to do all that musclebeast shit, when I finally got some motherfuckin’ mastering I want done, I can’t master it because my fuckin’ slave’s dominant on me!”

Equius bowed his head. “It’s not actually my command, it’s the rules of our society.”

“Our motherfuckin’ society? The lower-left quadrant motherfucker is motherfuckin’ filled to the goddamn top with troll romance and I’m thinkin’ his boring movies ain’t filled with any of this highblood deceit you’ve been fillin’ me with!”

“I haven’t been making…” He strengthened. “My knowledge of troll romance is much better than your outcaste…”

“Motherfucker shut up! I said I don’t want you to fill me up with no motherfuckin’ blurb, I want you to fill me up with some motherfuckin’ bulge!”

Equius stepped back again.

“Me…penetrating someone…I couldn’t…just not right…”

For once he looked genuinely unhappy at such depravity instead of lapping it up. He looked as if he’d just been ordered to kill his moirail. His emotional pain made his kismesis happy, but his kismesis was also worried that it would keep even this masochist from being turned on.  Gamzee’s wish might be an unfulfilled one. However, he wasn’t one to stop hoping on a wish.

Gamzee took off his clothes and haphazardly threw them in the corner. Now both partners were fully naked, except for Equius’ shades. Gamzee stepped up to the catatonic Equius and threw his shades off. The submissive would strip at the drop of his own hat but he wouldn’t take off his shades on his own. Gamzee rather liked taken off his shades and catching that split-second contraction of his pupil as he adjusted to the light and the shock of being so vulnerable. Those pupils traveled down from the hundred yards to look at Gamzee’s naked body. Sadly, Gamzee knew Equius never found the sight of his naked body as arousing as Gamzee felt looking at Equius’. His insults about Gamzee’s body weren’t just black flirtation.  As fun as being naked was, it wasn’t going to help get Equius back into the mood.

So Gamzee took the opportunity to do something else he wanted to do. He crotched down in front of Equius and started licking his wet thighs.

Equius snapped out of his trance. “Hi-highblood?”

Gamzee looked up at him. “Call me Priest Makara, shut up, and spread them legs, in that motherfuckin’ order.”

“Priest Makara.”

He spread his legs so his genitals were a little more accessible. Gamzee took to licking his nook while stroking the nice meaty shame globes in his seedflap. Equius was of course already wet but he started getting wetter. Gamzee had never tasted Equius down there before. The vegetarian tasted a little like bacon and he found it ironic. He didn’t even know how much he’d been missing out on by not going down on this sex partner like he had the rest. He loved giving oral sex so much.

Equius wasn’t happy. He whined, “Please…don’t do this…I won’t be able to not do what you want me to do if you do this.”

Gamzee hummed into the bottom of his bone sheath, “That’s the motherfuckin’ point.”

His efforts to arouse his partner into doing what he wanted were working. Equius’ bone bulge was rapidly unsheathing again. Gamzee reluctantly stopped when it was fully out. He needed him ready to go and anyway, even he wasn’t going to try throating that monster.

“Wanna put that hard bulge in my nook now?” he asked teasingly as he squeezed Equius’ bone bulge a little too hard to be playful.

“Yes-s,” Equius answered.

Gamzee let go of his bone bulge and gave him a patronizing pat on the ass. “Good.”

Again his kismesis rushed off somewhere before him. Equius went and lay down on the mating rack. His bone bulge wriggled in the air as it waited for its Dominant to engulf it. Gamzee stood up from his crotch and looked at his submissive with puzzlement.

“Uh, I’m not the one with the mechanics, but I don’t think we can both do it layin’ on our backs.”

Equius sat up. “Sir, the mechanics are you ascend on top of me and lower your nook onto my bone bulge,” he answered patronizingly.

“Oh yeah, that,” Gamzee said as he nodded. He then shook his head. “But I don’t wanna do that.”

Equius brightened. “So instead you want to…”

Gamzee strode over to the mating rack till he was right in front of Equius and patted the black vinyl space next to his ass.

“I wanna be the one getting laid down while I’m gettin’ laid.”

 “What? But that’s even more…not dominant…”

Gamzee threw up his hands. “I’m tired! I don’t feel like dancin’ on top of no bone bulge. Done enough motherfuckin’ dancin’ at the ceremony. I just want to sit back and let you do your thing. So, I order you to let me just lay back while you…let’s say…service me with your bone bulge.”

“Service you, yes, Highblood.”

“Priest Makara. ‘Member? Ceremony? Dancin’? Sayin’ motherfuckin’?”

“Priest Makara,” Equius said as he slid off the black vinyl.

Gamzee got on the fancy mating rack. With Equius’ help he adjusted it so he could sit back with Equius standing between his legs and the all-important bucket beneath their crotches. The complexity of the device annoyed Gamzee. He would have preferred to just lie on the ground and let some shitty towels soak up the beautiful mess.

Before Gamzee lay back on the rack, he kissed Equius again. He liked that he was making the vegetarian taste bacon and not that weird vegetarian bacon but not actually meat bacon. But anyway, Equius was tasting his own nook-lube. He gave Equius’ bone bulge a few strokes. It hadn’t sheathed again, thankfully. Gamzee gave a moan of anticipation as he lay back and closed his eyes. Yet when he felt Equius lifting up his legs he suddenly got a bit freaked out.

“Honk.”

“What?” 

“Um, I mean, could you service me with your fingers first? And then add in the bulge?”

“Yes, that idea is actually somewhat sensible.”

Equius dropped the left leg and with his now-free left hand he put his thick but blunt index finger in Gamzee’s nook. That one finger was like two of Gamzee’s fingers. Gamzee had never put anything more than two fingers in his nook before. He felt the stretch already, yet he had to go on.

“Lay another digit on me,” he said.

Equius did and it was almost like a normal person had put half their hand in. When Gamzee got adjusted to the stretch, he noticed Equius wasn’t doing any more. He was just looking down at his fingers like he’d just woken up to find someone put his fingers in a mysterious warm pudding.

Gamzee sighed, “Fuck, man, you got to get more service out of your fingers than that! Spread your meaty fondlin’ sticks like they’re scissors, but scissors made of meatiness.”

He moved his fingers and Gamzee gave a soft honk. This time Equius didn’t need to be micromanaged to continue this exercise over and over. Gamzee didn’t feel any discomfort anymore, just pleasure. He thought about how it would feel to have something bigger stretch him out and he giggled in anticipation. He looked at Equius and saw he was still unsheathed. Despite his protests he knew his kismesis was liking the idea of having Gamzee’s tight-ass nook around his bone bulge.

“Get them motherfuckin’ fingers out of my nook,” he said after five minute, “And get that bulge in.”

Equius quickly withdrew his fingers. “You really want me to do that?”

“No, actually, after I spent a half-hour of my not-doing-shit time tryin’ to get your bulge and another half-hour gettin’ my nook all nice and ready for it, I’m gonna take my sloshin’ body and empty it into my motherfuckin’ load gaper.  What in the motherfuckin’ name of Paradise Planet do you think I’m askin’?!

“And I was being motherfuckin’ sarcastic back there if you can’t tell.”

“Don’t worry about my comprehension.  I can understand your clownish insincerity along with your inappropriate lowblood terms but I can’t…”

Gamzee sat up and fondled Equius’ bone bulge.

“Yes you motherfuckin’ can. And you is gonna like that motherfucker cause I’m tellin’ you to like all my motherfuckers.”

The command seem to bolster up the reluctant submissive. He picked up Gamzee’s legs and pushed his bone bulge into Gamzee’s nook. Even with the preparation it took some effort and when the head was in Gamzee threw back his head and hissed.

“Messssiahs!”

“Sir-?”

“Yeah, it’s alright, just let that snakehead keep a visit at my openin’ out for a little more openin’, for just…”

He laid back.

“Aw, just fuck that waitin’ shit, give me it all now.”

Equius’s bone bulge snaked further into Gamzee. It just kept coming and Gamzee felt like his bone bulge was endless like the fabled rainbow with no end. It wasn’t that miraculous, but when it got to the end of how much Gamzee’s nook could possibly stretch, there was still a good half-inch left. They both stopped to look at their joining.

“I didn’t even know…” muttered Equius, “…that someone like you was able to receive so much.”

Gamzee grunted, “Shit, I got that motherfucking nook all my life and I…ughh motherfucker, stop being so vaguely racist and fuckin’…fuckin’ wriggle around and push around.”

Equius turned his head away and scrunched up his eyes. “I just can’t do this to…”

Gamzee was afraid he was going to stop. Instead his bone bulge contradicted its owner’s wishes and instead started wriggling around. The bone bulge was having too much fun being in Gamzee’s tight yet still accommodating nook. Equius pulled himself back and when Gamzee felt the loss of pressure he went to sit back up so he could force him back in, but it turned out he was just pulling out to push back in with so much force Gamzee fell back again with a honk. He kept his thrust lighter after that, instead wriggling around and tickling all those spots in Gamzee’s nook.

When Gamzee got into Equius’ rhythm he went to his ignored bone bulge and started stroking it. It had sheathed a little when they started because the pain was a tiny bit on the too much side. Yet not by that much. Trolls were by nature somewhat of masochistic and Gamzee was finding he was a huge masochist.

He definitely realized he was a masochist when Equius’ grip on his legs became VERY strong. His dull but still powerful nails dug holes into Gamzee’s tough troll skin. The stinging sensation was very arousing. What was even better making Equius just lose it and Gamzee was getting a blue badge of courage in the process. He wanted Equius to mark him up more. He wanted to walk around naked and show everyone he’d asked the strongest troll to give it to him and he survived the encounter. He didn’t care he’d have probably have to hobble around.

 

Gamzee showed his appreciation very loudly. He was grunting and growling and hissing. He even honked. He had never been this loud before. Equius gave nervous gasps and was always on the urge of stuttering something out.

His rhythm faltered as eventually he said something. “Priest Makara -! Please – I can’t do this!”

Gamzee answered, “IF YOU’RE EVEN THINKIN’ YOU’LL STOP I WILL MOTHERFUCKIN’ STRANGLE YOU UNTIL YOU IS MOTHERFUCKIN’ BLUE IN THE FACE.”

He added with a hiss, “-and call me priest makara.”

Equius sped up. “It’s actually…that I…priest…”

He bit his lip and slammed in one last time. When Gamzee finished reeling from the shock, he realized Equius had come first. Gamzee never thought that would happen. For all of Equius’ complaints he really did like it, the stubborn idiot. His defeat soothed Gamzee’s disappointment he had to say good bye to his new favorite toy.

Luckily, it was slow to sheath, so Gamzee had some time to enjoy it before it went away. He furiously stroked himself. He was so close when it fully pulled out. Equius dropped Gamzee’s legs but before he could leave, Gamzee’s hands shot out and grabbed his wrists almost hard enough to break them.

“got to get me to the next level,” he hissed, “GIVE ME THOSE MOTHERFUCKIN’ HAND KNIVES!”

Before Equius could even hesitate, Gamzee pulled his hands and dragged them across his chest. He dropped Equius’ hands and looked down at the wide marks on his chest. He quickly tickled his shame globes and genetic material came out of his seedflap. When his honking was finished, he fell back on the rack.

When he recovered from his orgasm, he found that Equius wasn’t there. That was normal. His kismesis often left while Gamzee was getting over the aftershocks. It was just his power to teleport when he needed a shower. Gamzee heard the thunderous sound of water above him and knew his prediction was right.

Gamzee got up. He was incredibly sore and probably should have been staying down on the rack for the next few nights, but he didn’t care. He just felt drawn upstairs. Without putting on his clothes he sauntered-hobbled up to the bathroom he knew Equius was in. There were a lot of bathrooms in the Zahhak Manor but Gamzee could tell from sound it was the gym showers.

Indeed, Equius was there, huddled up in the corner with all the showers running. He was still naked even down to his shades. His uncovered eyes were filled with tears and they streamed down his face. He rocked back and forth mumbling something that sounded like “Highblood” to Gamzee. Gamzee knew seeing his lover this way should invoke something, but he felt neither pity nor hate for him.

His inner Karkat told him that was the problem. Gamzee just wasn’t that into Equius. Equius was the one fervently interested in Gamzee ever since he sought out the highblood with connection to the great fabled Grand Highblood. Gamzee had just humored him. He was still just humoring him. This sort of lukewarm relationship was something Karkat was against. He said since trolls weren’t forced anymore to find concupiscent partners, they shouldn’t settle.

Yet after such motherfucking bitchtits sex, Gamzee didn’t feel like he was just finding just anyone to mate. He certainly wanted to have sex with Equius even without the threat of death. He felt that way before he found out it could be so good, when it was just Equius’ tight nook in the game. Now that he found something so good, it was hard convincing himself to kick it. Not that he wanted to take on that monster every night. It was rough on him and he knew the next evening he would really feel the hurt. Still, he had to add it to his act. His inner Karkat screamed it shouldn’t just be about the sex, but he was eating a Blooming Onion courtesy of Equius while he was saying that, the hypocrite.

So what if it was just about the sex? Gamzee did come from a religion that said sex could be a holy act. Sure, they meant gentle sex between devotees, not rough sex with a heretic, but there was still something mystical about all sex. 

With his angst over, he went under one of the running showerhead. He took a bar of soap from the dish and started washing himself while humming tunelessly. Equius looked up at him.

“I hate you,” his hoarse voice called.

Gamzee looked down at him and smiled.

“Thank you, sourspade!”

“No,” he growled, “I truly hate you right now. You have committed an act so heinous to me I can never forgive you. You weren’t supposed to actually…do such heinous things to me.”

Gamzee furrowed his brow. “What? I’m supposed do some committing of those motherfuckers that make you angry? I’m not really getting this motherfuckin’ black romance.”

“Yes, of course you are, but I mean…” He covered his eyes. “…I just don’t want you to.”

Gamzee was started to think maybe Equius hadn’t been really interested in having a black romance. He didn’t like that.

“You want to break this up? Cause it seems to me I could get on like a bitch startin’ all the motherfuckers you hate, if they all that sweet. Sweet like the juices dripping between them thighs.”

If the water wasn’t washing it away, Gamzee knew he would be seeing Equius dripping sweat. Equius shifted uncomfortably.

“…no, I shall not discontinue our relationship.”

“Yeah, guess that is good.”

Gamzee turned off his showerhead now that it had finally turned cold. He patted his faithful kismesis on the back.

“I’m gonna take a motherfuckin’ nap, but when I can get up, I’ll give you some hatin’ in your nook. Hell, maybe in this shower, if you’re still hanging here.”

Gamzee got a towel and left for bed or a couch or maybe a soft floor. He’d have to sleep without sopor slime since Equius didn’t have the now unnecessary psychoactive substance. He knew there were sopor muffins in his backpack, but those were all the way downstairs and it was hard enough coming upstairs in the first place. Really, it was unlikely he would wake up ready to go, but hey, you got to have hope.

Gamzee knew he was destined to break up with Equius, but not today.   

 

**Author's Note:**

> 1) It shouldn't need noting, but Equius' bone bulge is not actually a yard long.
> 
> 2) A Blooming Onion is an appetizer from Outback Steakhouse, an American chain restaurant.


End file.
